findingharmony

i thought you were better than this.

sitting here. laying down…..

wondering about the many disappointments people are displaying to me.

a wise woman once said “when someone shows you who they are believe them.”  

lately that has become one of the hardest things to do. as an optimist i want to look at the good in people which includes their potential to do better. there are so many good people in the world who make very bad decisions. 

i pray that one day everyone rights their wrongs and give thanks where credit is due. 

melancholy

nights like this make me feel empty……

wishing someone would say gn.

Who Are You?

     Do we really know who people are? People are forever changing, including myself, so how exactly am I supposed to know who you are or who I am. Honestly, all I can say is that I am human. I can say that I try my best to stay true to the person that I am constantly becoming. I can say that the only way to truly understand someone is to be that person, which is impossible. So, someone telling me that they understand doesn’t really do it for me anymore. Should we even be understanding, or overstanding?

Knowing…

The only way that I can see myself truly knowing someone is if I spend the rest of my life with them, making every decision together and discussing every detail of our existence. That can be irritating as fuck. But what about the human experience. Technically we all have that in common but there are endless variations of life. 

Who are we?

What is our purpose?

Is this what life was suppose to be?

The what if’s keep popping up in my head.

I just pray that the universe leads me to the answers of the millions of questions that I have for the creator. 

Is it wrong that I am unsure about everything in this lifetime?

The only one thing that I do believe in is love and even that is starting to fail me. 

Answers and direction is what I’m currently seeking.

Anyone want to join me?… this journey is definitely going to be a long one. 

-Charnise

do somethin’ out of the ordinary, like catch a matinee

“i hope that you’re the one

if not, you are the prototype.

we’ll tiptoe to the sun

and do things i know you like

i think i’m……….”

lately i’ve been noticing a few people in my life that i truly love and adore on a friend basis and then there are others…

there are others that have key qualities. they have the potential to be so much more to me. the thought of being in a relationship is getting more and more appeasing to my spirit but there are so many complications. 

i never thought that one day i would have to retell my life story. there are so many risks, too much vulnerable information. are they even worth it? 

can we just relate and have relations and then move in slow motion?

well see…

“but hey, we can’t be mad at God

we met today for a reason

i think i’m on the right track now.”

if not you are all prototypes…

charnise.

just me.

     Hours at a time I sit in my mirror and reflect while studying my reflection. Seeing my reaction to my own thoughts, feelings and secrets that often only get revealed to myself. I am my hardest critic, my closet truth, my audience. 

Twice x Little Dragon

Twice I turned my back on you

I feel flat on my face but didn’t lose

Tell me where would I go

Tell me what led you on I’d love to know

Was it the blue night…… 

No matter what I do in life there are specific people that will always be there for me. It doesn’t matter how bad I treat them, they just have this undying attraction to love and care for me. I constantly run from them and seek happiness. I even question their actions because I don’t understand the loyalty that I don’t deserve.

Gone fragile

Was it about the men

In wonder steady gone under

Was it the  light ways 

So freightening

Was it the two wills 

One mirror holding us dearer now

Sometimes our biggest failure is not letting go. We all want to be forever connected to our comfort zones; unfortunately, being stagnant in life is the definition of depression. As people we need to move on and run in directions that cause less pain and obsession. No one should make the same mistake twice. 

Reflection (last night)

Everyday I try to take a moment to myself and reflect on issues that affect my spiritual, mental and physical being. Tonight I reflected on the many relationships in my life but focused on what my relationships will look like in the future. I am satisfied with my friendship and the connection I have to my family. I am dissatisfied with the way in which I handle the love interests in my life. I came to realize that there is one thing holding me back from the type of romantic relationship that I want. That “thing” is myself.

I am subconsciously seeking and waiting for someone to tell me that it is okay to trust, confide and be vulnerable again. The invisible wall I constantly have up is slowly trying to come down but the more I am revealed the more worried and scared I get. I understand that I am waiting on my own approval but I do not know how to give it to myself. In the mean time I have no choice but to trust myself and my judgment; I’ll see how that goes.  

Learning

Life teaches you many lessons. It is essentially up to you to receive them. I am currently failing in the lessons of Trust and Judgement. There’s something about them that makes me want to have faith in the ones that do not deserve it and question the ones that do. Being skeptical of people’s actions and motives brings about a lot of complication. All I can do is take each case day by day and hope for the best.